


milligrams in my head

by orangesofsymmetry



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, fic as a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 03:30:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4206294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangesofsymmetry/pseuds/orangesofsymmetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know I’m always here for you, right?” Dan says around a mouthful of cereal one morning.</p><p>Phil tears his gaze from the TV. “Yeah.” He says. “Yeah, I know. Thanks.”</p><p>“I promise.” Dan says, after a pause. “I <i>promise</i>.” Phil smiles at this, then, smiles at his sincerity; bright, radiant, blinding. Dan beams back even though it hurts like looking at the sun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	milligrams in my head

Dan moves in with Phil a few weeks before his final exams start.

 

He finds the empty bottle in Phil’s bedside draw a few days later. He slides it back inside and tries to not think about it too hard.

 

\---

 

It doesn’t take long for Dan to notice how Phil is not always the open book he seems.

 

\---

 

“You know I’m always here for you, right?” Dan says around a mouthful of cereal one morning.

 

Phil tears his gaze from the TV. “Yeah.” He says. “Yeah, I know. Thanks.”

 

“I promise.” Dan says, after a pause. “I _promise_.” Phil smiles at this, then, smiles at his sincerity; bright, radiant, blinding. Dan beams back even though it hurts like looking at the sun.

 

Phil leans for the remote to mute the TV, the glow of his smile fading suddenly. “You can tell me anything, Dan, as well.” He says gravely. “I’m here for you, too.” Phil is honesty personified. His eyes are deep, hot, icy blue. Genuine. Ethereal.

 

Dan smiles gently and shuffles closer to Phil on the sofa, resting his head on his chest. Phil’s hand comes to rest on his head, gently rubbing at his scalp, smoothing down his stray curls.

 

It’s a strange way of saying I love you.

\---

 

Phil doesn’t confide in Dan but Dan doesn’t confide in Phil either.

 

(How does one admit to another that their only issue is them?)

 

\---

 

The tension culminates the night before Dan’s first exam.

 

“We agreed that he’d collect his stuff from my dorm when I wasn’t there,” Phil hiccups. He’s halfway through telling Dan the horror story that is his ex. “And when I came back, all the gas valves in the kitchenette were on.” He snorts and reaches for his cup, groans when he finds it empty. “If I hadn’t have noticed, the whole place would have gone up. The building had to be evacuated.”

 

“Shi-it.” Dan whistles. “What the fuck did you see in him?”

 

“He was nice when we dated.” Phil shrugs. “Had a _really_ nice car.” He pauses. “He _was_ a piece of sh – crap – though.” He continues.

 

Phil drops his head onto Dan’s lap. They remain like that for a few moments, suspended in silence. Phil’s eyes flutter shut.

 

“Why did you break up?” Dan asks gently.

 

Phil’s eyelids scatter open. His eyes are blurry. Dan realises that he might have fallen asleep. “He raped me.” Phil says, eyes closing again. Dan’s heart stops. Phil snores.

 

The next day, Dan flunks the exam.

 

\---

 

“I’m sorry I burdened you with that.” Phil says the next evening.

 

Dan almost manages to feels bitter.

 

\---

 

 

Dealing is not easy.

 

“I’m coping.” Phil says. “This is how I cope.” He says. He smells like the bottle of wine he keeps tucked under his bed.

 

Dan nods and changes the TV channel, watching Phil drink wine from a plastic cup from the corner of his eye. Phil’s so drunk (always so drunk) that he still thinks that Dan hasn’t noticed.

 

\---

 

Dan sleeps in Phil’s bed a lot, Phil cocooned in the curve of his chest like a child.

 

He holds Phil through the tremors and imagines himself driving up the motorway in the middle of the night, imagines himself claiming Phil’s revenge. Scares himself with bloodbath.

 

Phil says green eyes will never be the same again.

 

“But _your_ eyes are beautiful,” he’ll say, then, and will roll over to kiss Dan’s eyelids. “Chocolate mazes. I could get lost.”

 

Phil always remembers nothing of it in the morning.

 

\---

 

Mornings are calm, clean slates. Phil will be awake, barely hungover and chirpy, and they’ll talk like it’s the old days again. Like they’re both just grainy images on a laptop screen.

 

Phil will sip his coffee and giggle through his teeth when Dan drops his slice of toast (butter down, always butter down) and then will look meek when Dan will glare in mock offense.

 

It will feel like everything is better. Like everything will be okay.

 

Phil always promises that he won’t drink again. Dan always believes him and evening always comes.

**Author's Note:**

> i just want to take a few moments to thank you for reading this. this was a really, really, hard one to write because of how true it is to my life. if you're struggling with anything like this, please, please get in touch and don't blame yourself!  
> [[ my tumblr](http://carnagemayhem.tumblr.com)]  
> EDIT: typos/small errors have been fixed. there was an error with postage and a draft version of this work under another title was published accidentally, which is why you may have seen two versions of this!


End file.
